I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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