Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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