No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
