She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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