i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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