Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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