Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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