why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize