now i know why i became what i already was.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
