new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
