I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
not ubering you a puppy
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
