I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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