dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
