I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
