she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
