Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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