Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
