Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize