He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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