I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
