i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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