he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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