I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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