No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
