She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
