My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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