Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
