if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
