Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
