Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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