the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
