that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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