Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I pour the whiskey from now on
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
