he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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