I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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