His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
