The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
