youre lurking in front of me
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
