The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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