I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
