Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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