your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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