I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
