I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
