life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
