if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
