hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Porn is love you can see.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
