the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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