I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize