so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Farmville is her only friend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
