tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
