Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
