I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
