oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
