What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
