Your dad touched me again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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