I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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