It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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