Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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