he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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