i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
