I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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