we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
