my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
