Your dad touched me again.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
