Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
