I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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