my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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