You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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